OK, we're finally free of the childish dictator.  Bush's incompetence has damaged the country, and the last eight years have been a disgraceful nightmare.  It's the end of an error.  The U.S. is finally entering the 21st Century.  It's time to celebrate.  Looking back, there were times Bush's gang was so inept and so clueless that it was funny.  With a little help from my friends in the intertubes, I've compiled the
Top Ten Funny Bush Stories
January 21, 2009
Worst.
President.
Ever. 
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As a blogger, I am teh suck.
I update this site rarely, with good reason.
I'm a 55-year-old full-time research engineer, married with two wonderful daughters. Whereas most bloggers have only one reader, (hisself), I get the occasional hit from surfers curious about the URL. 
I took this address way back in May 2003, grabbing dibs to say the obvious,
Bush is the worst evah.

                           giss
10.  Cheney shoots friend in the face
On February 11, 2006, Dick Cheney was hunting with his friend Harry Whittington on the 50,000-acre Armstrong Ranch.  He turned to shoot at a covey of quail and instead gave his friend a blast of birdshot in the face.  It was a fitting metaphor for Bush's trigger-happy foreign policy. 

Local law officials didn't speak to Cheney until 14 hours later, after Katherine Armstrong, one of the owners of the ranch, called the Corpus Cristi press.

Immediately speculation swirled that alcohol may have been involved (otherwise, why wait until the next day?). Cheney admitted to drinking beer before the shooting, and said he had a cocktail later to settle his nerves.  In the end, Cheney was cited for not having the proper game bird stamp for his hunting licence.

Whittington has a rather shady association with Bush.  When Bush was governor, he fired Eliza May, the director of Texas State Funeral Commission, and appointed Whittington to replace her.  It seems May was investigating wrongdoing by SCI, the largest funeral-home operator in the world and a major Bush campaign contributor.  The scandal became known as Funeralgate, and when May sued for wrongful termination, Bush's sworn testimony was contradicted by 4 witnesses (Is he capable of telling the truth?).  Eliza May received a $210,000 settlement.  Like a good stooge, Whittington did not persue the allegations against SCI, claiming that May's files disappeared.

But here's the funny part...When Whittington was released from the hospital, he apologized to Cheney.

But wait, there's more.  As with most Bush scandals, there are multiple layers of hypocrisy.  The Cheney shooting revealed Karl Rove's affair with another owner of the Armstrong Ranch.  So much for family values.
Bush's coke problem

Why I'm never going back to my old school
9.  Stephen Colbert's Roast of Bush
Watch it here
On Saturday, April 29, 2006, Stephen Colbert appeared as the feature act at the White House Press Correspondents' Dinner.  He appeared in the persona of his right-wing pundit on the Colbert Report, an egotistic Bush supporter like Bill O'Reilly and Shaun Hannity.  He was brilliant.  His remarks lambasted the inept administration and the timid press corps that enabled it, most of the people in the room.  It did not play well to that audience, but has become an internet sensation.   Watch Bush's reaction as Colbert showed a video that featured Helen Thomas, and note his scowl as she asks why we really invaded Iraq (about 3:10 into the video).
The press pretty much ignored Colbert's routine the next day, instead praising Bush's comedy skit, where he brought up a Bush imitator to act as a translator as he delivered an address.  Many reviews that did mention Colbert reported that he was not funny.  True, the audience did not appreciate his humor, because it hit home with brutal honesty.  You really have to admire Colbert's performance under the circumstances.  He doesn't show any sign of intimidation despite the chilly response.  Colbert was speaking beyond that room, to the masses and for the ages.  It was comedy gold.  Not funny?  Remember, this was the same crowd that laughed hysterically two years earlier as Bush, in shockingly bad taste, gave a slide presentation showing himself looking under furniture in the White House for the fictional WMDs after they failed to appear in Iraq.  Colbert, on the other hand, is the recipient of three Emmy Awards and three Peabody Awards for his writing on The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Who do you think is the better judge of what's funny?
8.  Foreign Relations
Bush sees himself as charming, but those sly winks and the ever-present smirk reveal his actual character of a smug and arrogant jerk.  Since the Supremes selected him to lead the country, he officially represented the United States when engaging foreign dignitaries.  It's no surprise that he has committed several gaffes when dealing with his counterparts around the world, given his limited intelligence and lack of social graces.  Now that Bush's term is over and we made it through without a thermonuclear exchange, we can look back and laugh.  Here's a few examples:

The funniest gaffe was when Bush freaked out German Chancellor Andrea Merkel with an unwanted shoulder massage.   As you can see, Merkel sees Bush coming, so she knows who is groping her.  The cringe is a clear message that he had crossed the line.

Runners up:

Bush winks at Britain's Queen Elizabeth II.

Bush claims to peer into Russian President Vladimir Putin's soul.

Bush mispronounces Spainish President Aznar's name, calling him anzar, a goose.

Yo, Blair! Bush chats with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, cursing with his mouth full.

Touring Asia, Bush sends Japan's stock market diving and says we've been allies with them for 150 years.

In Sydney, Bush confuses APEC with OPEC, Austrailia with Austria..

Bush threatens to blow out the candles on Danish Queen Margaret's birthday cake, because, y'know, it's always about him.
7.  Jeff Gannon, gay hooker and White House Press Correspondent
At a White House press conference on January 26, 2005, correspondent Jeff Gannon from online Talon News asked Bush a question so friendly that it seemed planted.  Alert bloggers began to investigate and discovered Gannon's metoric rise from obscurity.  In fact, Jeff Gannon (real name James Guckert) attended a White House Press conference in February 2003, before the creation of Talon News.  Huh? That's right, Gannon managed to get a pass to White House briefings despite his lack of credentials from any news service.  Normally, this kind of access`would take weeks, even for an experienced journalist.  Why, it almost appears that Talon News only existed as a cover to get Gannon into the White House.  When it was also discovered that Gannon advertised himself as a $200-an-hour gay prostitute, the MSM finally took notice.
This is one of those stories that you can thank bloggers for exposing.  A big shout out to AmericaBLOG, who broke the story.  The MSM took little notice of Gannon's softball questions, and didn't catch on that whenever Press Secretary Scotty McClellan started to take some heat, he would call on Gannon for relief.  Ironicaly, Gannon wrote in 2004 that Senator John Kerry supported the pro-gay agenda and may become the first gay president.  Talk about projection.  The fact remains that Gannon had extraordinary access to the White House, obtaining over 200 press passes and being one of only six people that the White House leaked Valerie Plame's identity as a covert CIA employee.  Here's a good summary.
6.  John Ashcroft covers statue's boobies
In a perfect metaphor for Bush's administration, his first Attorney General John Ashcroft covered up The Spirit of Justice. 

That's the title of the statue by Carl Paul Jennewein seen in the image to the right.  Apparently the image of an exposed breast was so offensive that the Justice Department spent over $8000 for a curtain to hide the statue, which had been a fixture in the Great Hall of Justice since the building went up in 1936.  Ashcroft announced the drapery would go up on January 23, 2002. 

The poet and playwright Claire Braz-Valentine wrote a poem as an open letter to Ashcroft about the curtains. 

The drapery came down quietly on June 24, 2005.

Now it appears that the statue cover-up was instigated by none other than Monica Goodling, the Justice Department official involved in the firing of several U.S. attorneys for either prosecuting Republicans or failing to prosecute Democrats on trumped up charges.
5.  Bush chokes on a pretzel
OK, the official story is that Bush was watching a football game on Sunday, January 13, 2002, when he choked on a pretzel, causing him to lose conciousness and fall to the floor.  He showed up at a press conference the next morning sporting the bruise seen in the picture at right.  This accident was the source of many jokes on the talk show circuit, for good reason.  It just sounds so far-fetched.  It's far more likely that Bush fell off the wagon.

Anyway, it's not the last bruise or scrape that would appear on Bush over the years.  Here's a few more:

Bush crashes his bike on his ranch in May 2004.

In Scotland, Bush hit a policeman with his bike, sending him to the hospital.

You'd think a Segway would be safe for Bush to ride.  You'd be wrong.
4.  Clinton Library Dedication
The picture above was taken at the dedication of the Clinton Library on November 18, 2004.  George Bush is seen trying to squeeze through the door ahead of Bill Clinton.  Remember, it's aways about George.

Bush and Karl Rove were given special tours of the building, which hangs dramatically over the Arkansas River, symbolizing the theme of Clinton's administration, a bridge to the 21st Century.  Bush speculated that a submarine could take out the building, while Karl Rove was heard bragging, "I change constitutions".  Real classy.
3.  Bush's visit to Iraq with a plastic turkey
Bush made quite a splash in the news when he made a surprise visit to Iraq for Thanksgiving 2003.  Media outlets all showed the president walking through a mess hall carrying a turkey feast that looked like it came out of a Norman Rockwell painting. 

It was too good to be true.  It seems the turkey in the pictures was a plastic centerpiece sitting on the steam table, and Bush thought it would make a good prop.

The real fun came later, when the blogger Atrios mocked the timid and gullible press with this entry on his blog: 
2.  Bush's note to Condi Rice at the UN
In case you can't read the note, it says, "I think I may need a bathroom break?  Is this possible?"

When this little gem came out in September 2005, the talk shows and foreign press had a great time joking that the leader of the free world had to ask his handler for permission for a potty break.  More likely, Bush was uncertain about UN protocol.  (More pictures of Bush at the UN here).

There may be yet another reason for the note.  There have been a few reports that Bush's urine and feces are top secret.  Speculation as to why includes hiding some mysterious disease, drug use, or paranoia. 
So maybe Bush was just asking Condi if it was alright to use a public toilet, running the risk that one of his turds would fall into the wrong hands.  Ewww, I just grossed myself out.

As a side note, the note to Condi occurred just after the Hurricane Katrina disaster, and there was some speculation that the photographer, Rick Wilking of Reuters, was out to get revenge for the horrors he had documented just a few weeks earlier.  Editor and Publisher reported that it was about 3 hours after Wilking had taken the pictures that Gary Hershorn, news editor-photos for Reuters, examined the pictures and noticed that the note could be read.  He decided to publish it.
1.  Bush's magical legacy tour
The note is a parody of a Layfayette Parish, Louisiana, school's discipline of a student that told another student that his mom was gay.  Here's the original note:
The last month of Bush's term found him and his minions in full charm offensive, hitting the talk shows like never before, in a vain attempt to put a positive spin on his disastrous tenure.  To do so required a detachment from reality and a stubborn insistence that the country was better off.  You'll note that most of the appearances were in friendly formats, such as Rush Limbaugh, Fox News, The Weekly Standard, and other right-wing media.  Preaching to the choir, as it were.

Cabinet members were given talking points, a summary of the accomplishments Bush wanted people to appreciate.  Keith Olbermann does a good job of dismantling these talking points.

Bush was asked by Fred Barnes of The Weekly Standard what his biggest domestic accomplishment was.  He responded that the failure to privatize Social Security was his biggest achievement.  Got that?  His biggest accomplishment was a failure.  Actually, if he had succeeded, he would have sunk Social Security funds into Wall Street, which is now in meltdown.  If indeed he had succeeded, it would have been a catastophic failure.  So maybe he's right, after all.  Yet the very next day, he lamented that his push for Social Security privatization was a failure because he should have been pushing for immigration reform.

The more Bush tried to stress his, um, accomplihments, the less the media wanted to hear it.  The verdict was in.  The media that once adored him and hung on his every lie was now indifferent.  On his last flight on Air Force One, the press asked Bush if he would like to be in a group photo.  He declined.

At his last press conference, he couldn't even fill the room, so White House interns were called in to fill the empty seats.
The "preznit giv me turkee" note has been an annual post on Eschaton every Thanksgiving since, and an appeal to "give turkee" has become a common plea to donate to a cause.